Aliens

So it starts with this fro-wearin' chick who is sleepin' and she gets car-jacked by astronauts and when she gets home it's like in the future of the future and she has nightmares and the guy from My Two Dads tells her she has to go on a roadtrip with him back where she just came from only she doesn't want to go 'cause her old friend there got food poisoning and his stomach exploded  (must be Mexico). But she gets tired of not sleeping and says okay she'll go. Then it gets really really scary!

She has this kitty cat and he's orange and fluffy and cute and cuddly and she just goes off and leaves him all alone with no friends 'cause it's the future and all his other cat friends are long dead and he's all alone and she doesn't even care about him, she just goes running off with some flannel-wearin'-mullet-headed-Helen-Hunt-co-starrin'-fool. Poor kitty! He's gotta be scared being all alone in the future without anybody to take care of him! Well let me tell you, I sure don't want to go to the future 'cause nobody loves kitties in the future and if you can't love a kitty then you might as well be a robot and if you’re gonna be a robot, you should totally be a cool robot like the Terminator who’s too busy trying to rid the world of Edward Furlong to worry about hunting any kitty cats.

Oh, there's a robot in this movie and his name is Bishop (only now that’s he’s in space he doesn’t have to run from Pumpkinhead anymore) and fro-chick, uh, her name is Ripley (believe it or not), she doesn't like him and she's mean to him. He should change his name Mr. Kitty.

So Ripley goes off with Mr. My Two Dads and he brings his pals the Marines 'cause they're gonna go see if some people are okay and they get frozen and they go in space and then they get there and they get unfrozen and there's a Marine who is a girl but looks like a dude and the guy who turns into a pile of poo in Weird Science is there and John Conner is there, too (I think planet LB 486 is a great place to hide from Skynet…he should be thankful that Bishop isn’t a Terminator). So they go fly down to the planet and they get in a big black Hummer and they go try and find the missing people and they look in the basement and it looks like the inside of someone's nose 'cause the walls are all goobery and gloopy and they find the people stuck in the walls like big old boogers and when they try and get them out it wakes up the big bad aliens.

Woo hoo! Aliens! Finally I get to see aliens! Only these don't look like Ewoks at all. They kind of look like giant ball-peen hammers. They must be on Planet Home Depot.

So the aliens chase the Marines back to their car and they get in and they get away and they go back to the base and they say, uh, let's go home now, so they call a taxi only an alien eats the taxi driver and the taxi crashes and they're stuck on the planet with the aliens that eat people and the pile of poo guy starts screamin' "game over man, game over!" And there's this little girl there who they found and her name is Newt and she says they have to go inside 'cause they mostly come out at night, mostly, only it always looks like night on that planet to me. It's always rainin' and foggy and cloudy and ugly. It must be the planet Oregon.

So, um, Ripley and Newt go take a nap 'cause when aliens are threatening to come and eat you, you should go take a snooze. And then Mad About You Guy puts some baby aliens that he found in the room with them only these babies aren't cute like Muppet Babies, they're horny babies, like the Spears girls, and they try and suck face with Ripley only she kills them and when the Marines decide to punish mullet boy the aliens attack and he gets eaten by one anyway so I guess karma exists in outer space, too.

And then Newt gets sucked into the sewer and they have to go get her but the alien gets her first and turns her into a booger and Ripley finds her in this room with all these eggs, only they aren't fun eggs like the ones the Easter Bunny leaves, and she grabs Newt out of the snot and it wakes up the big old momma-jamba queen alien who looks like she's attached to a big giant large intestine, and momma yells at Ripley so Ripley decides it would be best to make this big super-sized alien mad and she totally burns all the eggs with a flame thrower, although I don't know why she didn't just shoot the momma alien with the big ole gun she had instead.

So they run to the elevator and it's not a very good elevator 'cause it doesn't have any music to listen to on the way up and momma alien goes up the other elevator and Bishop comes and rescues them at the last second. Ripley better like him now.

But momma alien got on the ship, too and she rips Bishop in two and he must be a kitty cat robot 'cause he's all full of milk and he explodes milk all over and it's really really gross. So Ripley gets in a robot suit and they fight and Ripley calls the momma alien a bad word (you know, that word that Newt Gingrich’s Mom called Hillary Clinton) and they fight some more and then Ripley sends momma alien packin' and boots her out of the space ship and saves the day.

Somebody told me that this movie was completely pointless 'cause in the next movie they kill everyone who makes it except for Ripley who should die anyway for leavin' poor kitty all alone in the first place back on earth. I mean, all that nonsense just to get killed in your freezer-sleep? Why did I waste my time caring about these characters if they die anyway?

What? David Fincher directed that next movie?

Oh, well, then that makes perfect sense.....