Pulp Fiction

I like movies where you learn stuff, like how to woggle in "Tin Cup" or that "aloha" means hello and goodbye from "Miss Congeniality" (I love movies with the Shat). So right away in this movie, I learned that "garcon" means boy and that you should never give another man's wife a foot massage. I can agree with that second one. You don't wanna be fingerin' where they've been scratchin' litter, that's gross! But then again, if we're talkin' about Uma Thurman, well, she can play with my jingle balls anytime!

Yeah, I watched "Pulp Fiction" 'cause it's a super cool movie and I'm a super cool cat, so it's a natural match. Just like Pumpkin and Honey Bunny, although she looks more like a Brown Bunny 'cause she's got that gaunt-hollow-eye-fugly look of Vincent Gallo (who I have discovered does not make wine).

But a better duo is Vinnie Barbarino and Mace Windu. They're hitmen, even though I never saw 'em hit anybody in the movie, they just talk a lot and shoot people. They have to go up to this apartment and get a briefcase filled with somethin' glowy and mysterious. Maybe it's Tinkerbell! So these frat boys are eatin' Big Kahuna burger (they must not have Circus Burger which is huge with the Cosby family)  and Jules (that's Mace Windu with out a lightsaber and with a dead Ewok on his head) totally mooches off of them and even though they share with him, he shoots one of them for being a couch potato. Then Brad with the Big Brain says "what" and Jules gets all bug-eyed and starts quotin' made-up stuff from the Bible and then he shoots Brad and everybody else except for Marvin, who is not a Martian, but rather, a subtle in-joke inserted by Quentin Tarrantino as an ode to his younger brother (Spoiler alert: Marvin, in every one of his films, gets killed. Good thing I don't have a brother named Marvin!).

Then Hudson Hawk shows up and sits in a bar and listens to Ving Rhames ramble on and on, I don't know about what, I got bored in this part.

Vincent Vega (that's Vinnie Barbarino without feathered hair and with a few extra pounds) goes over to see the guy from "Mask" who is still ugly even without the Frankenstein head. He buys some drugs from him (ooooh, crack is whack!) and then goes over to Uma Thurman's house 'cause his boss, that's Ving Rhames, told him to take his wife out for a date, and Uma Thurman is his wife and her name in the movie is Mrs. Mia Wallace. Now, this is a way better wife swappin' than in that boring ass "Ice Storm" (Kevin Kline didn't even sing....).

He takes her to Jack Rabbit Slim's which is this really cool restaurant that took pity on Steve Buschemi and gave him a job that capitalized on his ugliness. Although, I don't think I'd want an ugly person bringing me food, but then again, I have no choice about my Dad feeding me. She orders a $5 milkshake and that doesn't even have any bourbon in it or nothin'! I like milkshakes but I've gotta have a vanilla milkshake 'cause if I have a chocolate milkshake, all that extra sugar will get me all wound up and I'll end up talking like Quentin Tarrantino and everyone knows he's like a self-important Tasmanian Devil on speed.

So they do the Twist and Vincent is totally cool 'cause he does the Batman move and I sure do love Batman 'cause he drinks milk. It does a body good. You know what doesn't do a body good? Heroin. Uma's already a heroine why does she have to do heroin? But she does and she gets really sick and gets a nose bleed and she didn't even get hit in the face with a football the day before the big dance. Vincent takes her to Eric Stoltz's house and they stick a big giant super huge gigantor humongous needle in her chest and she totally comes back to life (that would have been a way cooler way to end "Far and Away") so he takes her home and she tells him a really funny hilarious joke. I won't give it away in case you wanna see this movie and you wanna be surprised by the punchline, 'cause when she says "ketchup" I almost peed myself. Oooops.

Back to Bruce Willis who is called Boootch in this movie. He has a dream where Christopher Walken hides a cowbell up his butt. Wait, no, a watch up his butt. Butt stories are funny.

Boootch is a boxer who kills the guy he's fighting like it's Thunderdome and escapes and is gonna go run away with his cute little anime-like foreign girlfriend who has a bizarre fascination with blueberry pancakes (which are good, sure, but if you really like blueberries, then Booberry cereal is the way to go). She forgot his watch at home and 'cause it's the butt watch, he has to go home and get it. When he sneaks inside his house, he eats a Pop Tart (it looks like a strawberry one, but it could be raspberry. I'll have to pause and make sure next time) 'cause that's what you do when your life is in danger, you stop and eat a goddamned toaster pastry. Then he finds a gun and Vincent comes out of the bathroom after going poop and he gets totally blown away by Boootch (total Bobba Fett death: shot after shitting).

On his way back to his girlfriend, Boootch runs over Ving Rhames and he had to crash that Honda and Ving chases him into a gun store owned by the fellas from "Deliverance." They take Ving and Boootch into the basement and they bring out the Gimp even though he was sleepin'. I don't know how they expected to play catch if the ball was stuck in Ving's mouth, freakin' weirdo rednecks. Boootch decides he doesn't want to play so he escapes by beatin' the livin' bejesus out of the Gimp (which sounds like he might be a Muppet but isn't) and finds Excalibur and goes back down into the basement and he gets all mad 'cause now they're playing leapfrog with Ving. I guess Ving didn't want to play leapfrog 'cause he's gonna go all medieval on their ass. I hope that doesn't involve bringing Kevin Costner around to butcher a British accent for two hours. Boootch steals a motorcycle (chopper, baby), steals a chopper (it's Zed's) (Zed's dead, baby, Zed's dead) and rides off into the sunset, or at least toward an IHOP, with his little pot-bellied princess.

Now this is where it gets confusing for my little brain 'cause now Vincent is alive again and he's taking Marvin in the car with him and he accidentally explodes Marvin's brains all over the backseat of a Buick. It was more disgusting than "Flavor of Love." They go to the only person they know around, and it must have been a last resort, 'cause it's Quentin Tarrantino's house. Quentin gets all mad and tells them that there is no sign over his door that says "dead n@&*#r storage" and I rewound the movie a copule of times and he's right, there is no sign over his door that says "dead n#*@&r storage." My Mom says I should never use that word unless I'm quoting "Pulp Fiction" or singing along with Snoop Dogg or watchin' "I Love New York" or listening to Don Imus.

They call Winston Wolf who is actually not a wolf but is an old guy in a tuxedo. He makes Jules and Vincent wash the car and wear silly t-shirts so that they look like my Dad. And Quentin makes coffee, really good coffee, he knows 'cause he buys the coffee, the good stuff, not that crap that his wife buys. I can't have coffee or I'd be climbing the walls. Literally. I'm a cat.

After they get rid of the bloodmoblie, Vincent and Jules go to a diner for breakfast and extoll the virtues of porcine cuisine. I like pigs. They have personality. Personality goes a long way. Just ask Will Ferell. He's really only got personality going for him 'cause he's really rather freaky lookin' but he's got a wife and kids, so there you go. Anyway, by happenstance, coincidence and convenient plot device, our boys are at the same diner as Pumpkin and Honey Bunny who are attempting to rob the joint. They have obviously never worked in food service 'cause everyone knows that the real money is to be made at Hooters. Those girls make bank! Instead these idiots rob an old diner where most people go 'cause it's cheap. Cheap bill, small tip. Stupid-heads.

Pumpkin goes around and gets every one's wallets and Vincent is in the bathroom (I'm thinking he might want to invest in some Depends 'cause it seems he's always in the john when it's crunch time) but Jules takes control and tells Honey Bunny to be cool like Fonzie (who was only ever cool in the Seventies, unless you count his cameo in "Scream") and tells Pumpkin to give him back his wallet. It had a curse word on it. He gets his wallet back and then they leave so that Jules could go wander the earth like Cain in "Kung Fu."

I got news for you, Jules, Cain settled down in Mexico and got his heart ripped out of his chest...

...by Mrs. Mia Wallace.


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