Today I saw a movie that was made in the olden days, like a hundred years ago and it was called "The Wizard of Oz" and I sure do like wizards 'cause Michael Jordan was a Wizard and Michael Jordan is super cool. But I don't think he was in this movie, but he was in "Space Jam" and "Space Jam" is cool 'cause it has Buggs Bunny in it and I like bunnies 'cause I'm fluffy like a bunny and who doesn't love a bunny?
Glenn Close. That's who doesn't love a bunny....
So I kinda had to fast forward through the first part 'cause I think my tape was broken 'cause it didn't have any color. Besides, that Dorothy chick sings that stupid song about rainbows but she really doesn't have any idea what the hell she's singing about 'cause she never mentions the leprechauns or the pot of gold or the Lucky Charms or the Gay Pride Parade that are always at the end of the rainbow. But then it got scary 'cause a big storm came and her family just left her outside. Of course this was the Great Depression, so they must have figured if she got wiped away by a tornado then there'd be one less mouth to feed. So they go in the cellar and they leave Dorothy and Toto alone in the house. Someone better call the ASPCA on these cruel heartless bastards for leavin' a poor old dog out in a storm like that. Not that I'm a big fan of dogs, 'cause I'm a cat, but us housepets gotta stick together!
So she gets sucked up in the tornado, just like the dust in those Dyson vaccuum commercials, and she lands on a finalist for "What Not To Wear" and all you see stickin' out from the house is these feet and these Pippi Longstocking socks and it's totally not realistic 'cause there's no blood and guts or nothin'. Then these Oompah Loompahs come out and they sing to her 'cause that's what you do when a big giant house comes crashin' outta the sky and kills someone. No, no, don't call the Midget Police or anything, just go around handin' out lollipops to strangers. Stupid Dorothy. You're not supposed to take candy from Stranger Danger!
Then this big bubble comes over and a princess pops out and she's supposed to be all magical but she's an amateur 'cause she can't even help Dorothy get to a FEMA shelter. So she steals the dead chick's shoes and tells her to go running off on her own into the wilderness. Wow, there sure are lots of good lessons for kids in this movie!
So off she goes, no map, no GPS, no survival supplies. Soon she runs into a scarecrow who starts talkin' to her and she decides, sure, I'll dance with Stranger Danger and let him go with me off into God-knows-where. This is not a very bright girl. And she just keeps rackin' up men like a Tila Tequila wannabe. Next thing you know she's got a metal-head she doesn't know following her with an axe!
Then comes the totally humilliating part. There's this, um, lion, and he's a totall wuss-boy, only everybody knows that lions are not wuss-boys 'cause one just ate a guy in San Diego not so long ago, so this was totally unbelievable. But if he's gonna be all scaredy-cat, he picked a perfect group 'cause you got a fella with an axe who could totally just chop up that silly lion but instead he just shakes like Randall P MacMurphy gettin' electroshock treatment.
But then there's this scary Wicked Witch of the West, and I live in the west, so now I'm really gonna have trouble sleepin'! She rides a broom (saves on gas) and has superpowers like The Human Torch from Fantastic Four 'cause she totally throws fireballs at the scarecrow guy but they run away and they end up in this really nice field with all these pretty flowers and the Wicked Witch puts a spell on them and they fall asleep only I don't think it was a spell, I think it was all the opium they were snortin' from all those poppies. So instead of getting them into a drug-treatment program, the Bubble chick just makes it snow on them so that they wake up and they're all happy (duh...) and they get to the Emerald City and they go inside and there's a horse that changes colors just like My Little Pony. The Emerald City must be in California 'cause they stop and go to the spa and they have to go see the wizard to get their idea for getting home green-lighted (it is the Emerald City) so it's like goin' to the Skywalker Ranch to see George Lucas only he looks more like Karl Rove 'cause he's got this big head that looks like he has encephaelitus. The Wizard makes them go get the broomstick of the Wicked Witch, like Dorothy is his maid or something.
So they go to her castle and they sneak in and they get caught. And just like every Bond villian ever, the witch doesn't kill Dorothy immediately like she should. Instead, she makes Dorothy wait in a room with a big oversized game timer (she must have needed some time to find some sharks with freakin’ laser beams) and her friends rescue her and they get chased all over. So the witch decides to set the scarecrow on fire, again (boring...) so Dorothy grabs a very conveniently placed bucket of water and throws it at the scarecrow only she misses from like two feet away and she hits the witch instead who melts away. Now I got two questions: if she melts when water touches her, then why are there buckets of water laying around, and if these blue buffoons are so happy she's dead, why didn't they just bust a coup d'etat on her wrinkly green ass? She had to use flying monkeys and an army of Booberry-lookin freaks to catch Dorothy, so it's not like they couldn't have taken her...
They go back to Greentown and give the stick to George Lucas only Toto proves that all those special effects are nothing but crap and so he gives the Tin Man a watch when he asked for a heart, gives Scarecrow a Community College degree 'cause the first thing he spouts about a triangle is totally wrong, and instead of slappin' the lion across the face and tellin' him to be a man, he stabs him in the chest with a pin. Then the wizard says they just gotta take a hot-air balloon to Kansas. Why the hell didn't he just offer her the ride in the first place? But he's an idiot and takes off without her so the bubble chick shows up and says she only had to click her heels and say some stuff and she could go home. So we've got a scarecrow who has gotten unnecessary multiple burns, structural damage to the Emerald City from the lion jumpin' out a window, another dead witch and the accidental eviction of the wizard from his hometown when all of this could have been averted had the bubble bimbo mentioned this in the first place.
After insulting the tin man and lion by playing favorites she clicks her way back to Kansas and to the black and white world, the Depression, the Dust Bowl, and the family that wanted her dead. I don't know why she went back.
Probably for revenge.....
Glenn Close. That's who doesn't love a bunny....
So I kinda had to fast forward through the first part 'cause I think my tape was broken 'cause it didn't have any color. Besides, that Dorothy chick sings that stupid song about rainbows but she really doesn't have any idea what the hell she's singing about 'cause she never mentions the leprechauns or the pot of gold or the Lucky Charms or the Gay Pride Parade that are always at the end of the rainbow. But then it got scary 'cause a big storm came and her family just left her outside. Of course this was the Great Depression, so they must have figured if she got wiped away by a tornado then there'd be one less mouth to feed. So they go in the cellar and they leave Dorothy and Toto alone in the house. Someone better call the ASPCA on these cruel heartless bastards for leavin' a poor old dog out in a storm like that. Not that I'm a big fan of dogs, 'cause I'm a cat, but us housepets gotta stick together!
So she gets sucked up in the tornado, just like the dust in those Dyson vaccuum commercials, and she lands on a finalist for "What Not To Wear" and all you see stickin' out from the house is these feet and these Pippi Longstocking socks and it's totally not realistic 'cause there's no blood and guts or nothin'. Then these Oompah Loompahs come out and they sing to her 'cause that's what you do when a big giant house comes crashin' outta the sky and kills someone. No, no, don't call the Midget Police or anything, just go around handin' out lollipops to strangers. Stupid Dorothy. You're not supposed to take candy from Stranger Danger!
Then comes the totally humilliating part. There's this, um, lion, and he's a totall wuss-boy, only everybody knows that lions are not wuss-boys 'cause one just ate a guy in San Diego not so long ago, so this was totally unbelievable. But if he's gonna be all scaredy-cat, he picked a perfect group 'cause you got a fella with an axe who could totally just chop up that silly lion but instead he just shakes like Randall P MacMurphy gettin' electroshock treatment.
But then there's this scary Wicked Witch of the West, and I live in the west, so now I'm really gonna have trouble sleepin'! She rides a broom (saves on gas) and has superpowers like The Human Torch from Fantastic Four 'cause she totally throws fireballs at the scarecrow guy but they run away and they end up in this really nice field with all these pretty flowers and the Wicked Witch puts a spell on them and they fall asleep only I don't think it was a spell, I think it was all the opium they were snortin' from all those poppies. So instead of getting them into a drug-treatment program, the Bubble chick just makes it snow on them so that they wake up and they're all happy (duh...) and they get to the Emerald City and they go inside and there's a horse that changes colors just like My Little Pony. The Emerald City must be in California 'cause they stop and go to the spa and they have to go see the wizard to get their idea for getting home green-lighted (it is the Emerald City) so it's like goin' to the Skywalker Ranch to see George Lucas only he looks more like Karl Rove 'cause he's got this big head that looks like he has encephaelitus. The Wizard makes them go get the broomstick of the Wicked Witch, like Dorothy is his maid or something.
After insulting the tin man and lion by playing favorites she clicks her way back to Kansas and to the black and white world, the Depression, the Dust Bowl, and the family that wanted her dead. I don't know why she went back.
Probably for revenge.....
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