Roadhouse

So the movie I watched today was called "Roadhouse" and it stars the King of Feathered Hair, Patrick Swayze. He's a bouncer but I never did see a trampoline in this movie. They should have picked a better title.

Anyway he gets hired by John Locke's dad (before he became a kidney-stealin' hustler) to get rid of the punks and riff-raff at his bar. He says he won't fly there 'cause flyin's too dangerous (that's called irony). He drives a super-cool Mercedes but he buys a old junker piece o' crap car 'cause he knows his pimped out ride is gonna get all jacked up by thugs and social misanthropes. And when he gets there a blind guy is singing and he's Dalton's friend, that's Patrick Swayze's character's name in the movie, and he's can't see 'cause he was blinded by Patrick Swayze's greatness 'cause you're not supposed to look directly at him or you'll never be able to absorb the awesomeness of the Coiffed One. He's so cool he drinks coffee instead of beer and he drinks decaf, too, 'cause he's already got the fire of a demon-slayer in him and he doesn't need any stimulants to get himself all revved up for a battle which happens as soon as he gets there and everyone starts throwing beer bottles and tables and chairs and he gets cut in the arm but he saves the day. Instead of goin' to a stupid hospital he just sews himself up. He's totally bad-ass!

Then he tells all the people who work at the Double Deuce, that's the name of John Locke's father's bar, that it's "my way or the highway!" And they say they thought he'd be bigger but he's big on the inside 'cause he's enlightened 'cause he does Tai Chi and he gives them three rules:

1. You don't talk about fight club. Oh wait, no, it's, uh, "Never underestimate your opponent". 

2. Take it outside. At the rate they're goin' there won't be any tables or chairs left to throw (and you're not supposed to throw things in the house...I learned that on the Brady Bunch) so he makes 'em fight outside 'cause there's nothing to throw around outside except your ego.

3. Be nice. That's a good rule. I try to be nice to everybody ‘cause when you’re nice, Santa Claus knows….

Dalton rents a farmhouse and does sweaty aerobics outside and the Bad Guy, who's played by a guy who looks like the guy who played Ghandi but isn't (I like Ghandi and Pokey, they're stretchy and cool), he watches Dalton from across the river and I think he get's a crush on him 'cause he's a smiley and he decides to eliminate all his competition for Dalton's affections so he picks on all the other old guys in town by trashin' their stores and burnin' down their houses and drivin' monster trucks through the car dealership. Monster trucks are cool! But monsters are not cool. They hide under beds and rip off little boy's heads and eat them like Kit Kats, nibblin' around the edges before chomping down on the insides. Stupid monsters.

Then there's another fight only this time when Dalton gets hurt he goes to the hospital and meets Kelly Lynch who tries to look smart by wearin' big glasses and he makes his smooth moves on her and they boom-chick-a-boom and she ends up wearin' a dress that looks like a table cloth. Since he got hurt he decides he needs some help so he calls his best friend Sam Godamn Elliott and he comes and they fight some more and then this guy who looks like Lorenzo Llamas (but not as expensive to cast) makes googly eyes at Patrick Swayze and he tries to impress him by bustin' some sweet moves with a pool cue that he learned from watchin’ “The Color of Money” but Patrick Swayze just brushes him off and that really makes the generic Lorenzo Llama mad so he kills Sam Godamn Elliott, and I didn't know llamas could kill people, I just thought they spit at you. So Dalton and femmie-Lorenzo-Llamas-wanna-be fella get in to a fight and Patrick Swayze totally rips his heart right out of his chest with his bare hands! He must have learned that watchin' Kill Bill. So Bad Guy tries to blow up Kelly Lynch and that totally pisses off Dalton who goes and tries to kill Bad Guy but Bad Guy has henchmen that try and stop him but they are totally no match for the super sweet skills of the Dalton. He makes the fat guy scared with a stuffed polar bear! And then Bad Guy shoots Dalton but it's not enough to kill him 'cause he's, like, the hero and everything, and the hero never dies in the movies, so just as he's about to rip Bad Guy's heart out of his chest like he did to his man-crush, Bad Guy gets the crap shot out of him by all the old guys in town who decide they want Dalton all to themselves, but instead he goes off and skinnydips with Kelly Lynch.

The End.

I don't think this was a very realistic movie. Kelly Lynch as a doctor, come on!


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