I just sat through the longest movie ever in the whole world 'cause my Dad says it's my Grandma's favorite movie and I sure do like my Grandma so I said, sure, I'll watch this movie, only I didn't know I'd be six hundred years old by the time it was over, and I still don't know why it's her favorite movie 'cause she's not from the South, she doesn't have a Mammy, and she hasn't gone crazy and killed herself.
"Gone With The Wind" is a story about history which is stuff that happened in the past and where people wore big clothes and hated black people. There's this whiny girl who sounds like a character from the O.C., and she wears a big dress and she's sittin' on a swing (I sure do like to sit on the swings, but don't push me too far, or I'll puke!) and there's these two guys and they're hittin' on her and even though one of them is Superman, she doesn't care about them, she just uses them for attention, like it's an episode of "The Hills." Her name is Scarlett O'Hara and she's at a party and there's this guy she likes, only I think he's kind of a wussy boy and looks like a fish, and his name is Ashley.
Hee hee, he's got a girl name...
All the Ashley's I know are girls. Actually, brainless, flighty girls. You know, like Ashlee Simpson and Ashley Olsen. And Scarlett thinks Ashley's stupid 'cause he's gonna marry his cousin, Melanie. I sure am confused 'cause they said this was takin' place in Georgia, not West Virginia, and everybody knows you can't marry your cousin or you'll have "special" children, you know, with like, three eyes or a proclivity towards drooling.
Anyway, Scarlett gets all drooly herself over this pasty floppy foppy poppy and her Mammy tells her to shut the hell up, only I don't think that's her real Mammy 'cause they don't look related at all (bad casting). But Scarlett sneaks downstairs at the party during nap time (doesn't she know that nap time is the best time of day, other than snack time, or playtime, or petting time, or "So You Think You Can Dance" time?) and spies on her man, but instead she gets caught peekin' at Rat Butler. If she's so rich, why's she lookin' at the butler? She follows Ashley into a room and she tries to kiss him and get him to break up with his girlfriend only he won't 'cause he's a "gentleman" and he leaves and she throws a vase across the room (and she doesn't even live there and she's throwing around Ashley's stuff so I really don't think she respects him or she wouldn't break his things) and Rat Butler pops up from behind the couch and he laughs at her 'cause she's a whorin' fool and he tells her to carry a handkerchief only everybody knows only Grandmas carry hankies and usually up the sleeve of a sweater, so I'm thinkin' she's not gonna listen to him.
Then the War starts (bang a gong, it is on!) and our little Harlot O'Hara grabs the ugliest guy she can find and asks him to marry her. It's like “The Bachelorette” without a hot tub. But her new husband, Charles Hamilton, dies of ammonia and so now she has to wear black but this was before the days of the little black cocktail dress, so it's not as kinky as it sounds. She goes to this dance to raise money for the soldiers and Melanie (uh, she married that Ashley fella) she gives her wedding ring to "the cause" and a light from heaven shines down on her and she glows like a saint and she becomes the paragon of altruism for the remainder of this historically inaccurate portrayal of Southern hegemony. So Scarlett says, me too and gives her ring to 'the cause' but Rat Butler just laughs at her and then he bids on her like a white-slave whore in an Amsterdam shop window. But they just dance, and not even a cool dance, like a crump routine or anything, just some lame square dance. They don't even do square dancing on "Dancing With The Stars" for Jimminy Christmas sake! So far, the South sucks.
Suddenly it's Christmas and even though it doesn't snow in the South you think they'd make an effort to make it look a little Christmasy. Put up some tinsel, or blinky lights, or inflatable snowmen. You gotta cheer up those troops! Someone tries to cheer up the troops by donating money to a hospital, but she's a professional whore (unlike that amateur Scarlett) and her name is Belle (like in "Beauty and the Beast" which is a great movie 'cause the candlestick talks and he sounds funny 'cause he's got an accent, but that's not the candlestick's name, Belle. The girl in the movie is named Belle, only she's not a whore) and Belle is a friend of Rat Butler's and she's only trying to help but all the old biddies, they turned their noses up at her like she was a whore or something (that's called irony) but Miss Melanie, she of the unfloundering great benevolence, takes the money anyway and smiles at Belle and for a moment, all is right with the world.
Then BAM!!!! Sherman Helmsley attacks the city and Scarlett goes running off into the crowd and she sees Big Sam who's one of her slaves and instead of smackin' her white privileged head with the shovel he's carrying and running away in the midst of chaos and confusion, he just tips his hat and tells her that her Mom is dying, and then just saunters off with his gang of friends.
Cap'n Butler to the rescue! He swoops her up and carries her off but she's gotta go get Miss Melanie who's home all knocked up and ready to pop only Prissy, the Paris Hilton of slaves, don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies and she just wanders around pretending she can sing and Scarlett slaps her like every red-blooded American wishes they could slap a Hilton. So suddenly there's a baby only I don't remember seeing the stork (maybe he got captured by the Yankees. And why are all these people so afraid of some baseball players?) and they all load up in a cart and they go off to find Tara Reid only I don't know what she can do for them. But before they can get where they're going, Rat Butler dumps their butts on the side of the road and goes off to be war hero instead of Scarlett's lapdog.
When they get home, it's all ghetto and looks like a crack house but they go inside and they find her Dad only he's gotten goofy and her Mom is dead and they don't have anything to eat and Scarlett goes out into the field and finds a carrot in the ground and eats it like Buggs Bunny but she doesn't say "What's up, Doc?', she just whines about never going hungry again. Go to the store and buy some groceries, sheesh! Apply for food stamps! Go get a job! Tears don't pay for food!
Intermission (why such a fancy word for "pee break"?)
Scarlett starts puttin' the house back together when a damned filthy Yankee sneaks into the house and tries to steal her stuff but she shoots him in the face like a smooth-ass gangsta and buries him in the back yard like dog buries a bone (cats don't bury anything except their poop so I don't really understand this metaphor).
Then the war is over and the Yankees won and now she owes them some money only she doesn't have any so she steals Carol Burnett's idea and makes a dress out of the curtains and goes to see Cap'n Butler who turned out to be a crappy war hero 'cause he's in jail now. He's got all his money tied up in off-shore accounts so she asks her sister's beau to marry her (only he doesn’t look anything like a Duke boy…). She wants all his money and he says yes 'cause he's a Kennedy and we all know which head Kennedy's think with around women. She totally dissed her sis! But he's a rich Kennedy (aren't they all) and they go into business with wuss-boy Ashley who survived the war because he was most likely mistaken for a girl and it's rude to shoot a girl, unless it's Angelina Jolie and your name is Brad Pitt and you just found out you've both been hired to snuff out the same target.
One day on the way home from the mill she owns, Scarlett is attacked by a band of ruthless paparazzi and so Ashley and Rhett and Frank (that's our Kennedy friend) go out and try and beat the crap out of these guys only they get their butts handed to them 'cause Ashley gets shot and Frank is killed. So now that she's single again, little miss Erica Kane gets married again, only this time to Cap'n Butler. He builds her a McMansion in the 'burbs and they have a kid and name her "Bonnie Blue" which is, like, a stupid name 'cause when you name a kid after a color, you're just askin' for trouble (it's not like Pink is an easy listening artist...). Scarlett has everything so naturally she still wants her little girly-man Ashley. Makes as much sense as Ethan Hawke cheatin' on Uma Thurman with that cow of a nanny (and cows make terrible nanny's 'cause all they do is eat and fart and why pay someone to do that, unless they're gonna be on "Big Brother"?). So Rat Butler decides to take his woman! And he carries her up the biggest flight of stairs in the world and then they go into a room, and then it's morning! I think I got a bad copy of this movie 'cause I didn't see what they did next! Whatever it was, it sure made Scarlett happy (maybe he bought her a Lexus 'cause that's what all the spoiled girls get on "My Super Sweet 16").
Rat Butler decides to go on vacation to London with Bonnie (I totally would have taken her to Disney World...it's only one state over!) but she hates it and wants to go home (totally should have taken her to the Magic Kingdom...) and so they go home and when they get home he says he wants to leave again only she says he can't cause she gonna have a baby (maybe this time I'll see the stork come) only they both wish they weren't having a baby so Rat Butler jinx's her and she falls down the stairs. Then, 'cause karma is a fickle bitch, Bonnie gets killed when she falls off her pony. If she had gotten a My Little Pony instead of a real one, this wouldn't have happened, and then Rat Butler goes and shoots that poor pony! What the hell kind of horror movie is this!? I guess if you're evil enough to own slaves, shootin' a pony is nothing.
Then Melanie gets sick, again (it's like an episode of "House" with this woman) and she dies and Scarlett realizes that now that she can have Ashley, she doesn't want him after all (who wrote this crap?) and runs home to tell Rat how much she loves him but he's totally sick and tired of her crap and leaves her ass. So she gets all whiny and is all, like, what am I gonna do? And Rat, total bad-ass that he is, just puts on his pimp hat and tells her "frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." Boo-yah, toast! Take that, you selfish hootchie cracker beeotch! Smack!
Rat Butler is totally awesome.
So, just like a Beverly Hills celebutant, she shrugs it off with a pithy "tomorrow is another day...." Nice attitude. Your husband just left you, you've had a miscarriage, lost a child, your only friend just died and you just toss off a casual colloquialism? I sat through a third of my life to watch all this crap happen to her and she's all, just, whatever? I hope when she gets upstairs her Mammy slaps the crap out of her.
"Gone With The Wind" is a story about history which is stuff that happened in the past and where people wore big clothes and hated black people. There's this whiny girl who sounds like a character from the O.C., and she wears a big dress and she's sittin' on a swing (I sure do like to sit on the swings, but don't push me too far, or I'll puke!) and there's these two guys and they're hittin' on her and even though one of them is Superman, she doesn't care about them, she just uses them for attention, like it's an episode of "The Hills." Her name is Scarlett O'Hara and she's at a party and there's this guy she likes, only I think he's kind of a wussy boy and looks like a fish, and his name is Ashley.
Hee hee, he's got a girl name...
All the Ashley's I know are girls. Actually, brainless, flighty girls. You know, like Ashlee Simpson and Ashley Olsen. And Scarlett thinks Ashley's stupid 'cause he's gonna marry his cousin, Melanie. I sure am confused 'cause they said this was takin' place in Georgia, not West Virginia, and everybody knows you can't marry your cousin or you'll have "special" children, you know, with like, three eyes or a proclivity towards drooling.
Then the War starts (bang a gong, it is on!) and our little Harlot O'Hara grabs the ugliest guy she can find and asks him to marry her. It's like “The Bachelorette” without a hot tub. But her new husband, Charles Hamilton, dies of ammonia and so now she has to wear black but this was before the days of the little black cocktail dress, so it's not as kinky as it sounds. She goes to this dance to raise money for the soldiers and Melanie (uh, she married that Ashley fella) she gives her wedding ring to "the cause" and a light from heaven shines down on her and she glows like a saint and she becomes the paragon of altruism for the remainder of this historically inaccurate portrayal of Southern hegemony. So Scarlett says, me too and gives her ring to 'the cause' but Rat Butler just laughs at her and then he bids on her like a white-slave whore in an Amsterdam shop window. But they just dance, and not even a cool dance, like a crump routine or anything, just some lame square dance. They don't even do square dancing on "Dancing With The Stars" for Jimminy Christmas sake! So far, the South sucks.
Suddenly it's Christmas and even though it doesn't snow in the South you think they'd make an effort to make it look a little Christmasy. Put up some tinsel, or blinky lights, or inflatable snowmen. You gotta cheer up those troops! Someone tries to cheer up the troops by donating money to a hospital, but she's a professional whore (unlike that amateur Scarlett) and her name is Belle (like in "Beauty and the Beast" which is a great movie 'cause the candlestick talks and he sounds funny 'cause he's got an accent, but that's not the candlestick's name, Belle. The girl in the movie is named Belle, only she's not a whore) and Belle is a friend of Rat Butler's and she's only trying to help but all the old biddies, they turned their noses up at her like she was a whore or something (that's called irony) but Miss Melanie, she of the unfloundering great benevolence, takes the money anyway and smiles at Belle and for a moment, all is right with the world.
Then BAM!!!! Sherman Helmsley attacks the city and Scarlett goes running off into the crowd and she sees Big Sam who's one of her slaves and instead of smackin' her white privileged head with the shovel he's carrying and running away in the midst of chaos and confusion, he just tips his hat and tells her that her Mom is dying, and then just saunters off with his gang of friends.
Cap'n Butler to the rescue! He swoops her up and carries her off but she's gotta go get Miss Melanie who's home all knocked up and ready to pop only Prissy, the Paris Hilton of slaves, don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies and she just wanders around pretending she can sing and Scarlett slaps her like every red-blooded American wishes they could slap a Hilton. So suddenly there's a baby only I don't remember seeing the stork (maybe he got captured by the Yankees. And why are all these people so afraid of some baseball players?) and they all load up in a cart and they go off to find Tara Reid only I don't know what she can do for them. But before they can get where they're going, Rat Butler dumps their butts on the side of the road and goes off to be war hero instead of Scarlett's lapdog.
When they get home, it's all ghetto and looks like a crack house but they go inside and they find her Dad only he's gotten goofy and her Mom is dead and they don't have anything to eat and Scarlett goes out into the field and finds a carrot in the ground and eats it like Buggs Bunny but she doesn't say "What's up, Doc?', she just whines about never going hungry again. Go to the store and buy some groceries, sheesh! Apply for food stamps! Go get a job! Tears don't pay for food!
Intermission (why such a fancy word for "pee break"?)
Scarlett starts puttin' the house back together when a damned filthy Yankee sneaks into the house and tries to steal her stuff but she shoots him in the face like a smooth-ass gangsta and buries him in the back yard like dog buries a bone (cats don't bury anything except their poop so I don't really understand this metaphor).
Then the war is over and the Yankees won and now she owes them some money only she doesn't have any so she steals Carol Burnett's idea and makes a dress out of the curtains and goes to see Cap'n Butler who turned out to be a crappy war hero 'cause he's in jail now. He's got all his money tied up in off-shore accounts so she asks her sister's beau to marry her (only he doesn’t look anything like a Duke boy…). She wants all his money and he says yes 'cause he's a Kennedy and we all know which head Kennedy's think with around women. She totally dissed her sis! But he's a rich Kennedy (aren't they all) and they go into business with wuss-boy Ashley who survived the war because he was most likely mistaken for a girl and it's rude to shoot a girl, unless it's Angelina Jolie and your name is Brad Pitt and you just found out you've both been hired to snuff out the same target.
One day on the way home from the mill she owns, Scarlett is attacked by a band of ruthless paparazzi and so Ashley and Rhett and Frank (that's our Kennedy friend) go out and try and beat the crap out of these guys only they get their butts handed to them 'cause Ashley gets shot and Frank is killed. So now that she's single again, little miss Erica Kane gets married again, only this time to Cap'n Butler. He builds her a McMansion in the 'burbs and they have a kid and name her "Bonnie Blue" which is, like, a stupid name 'cause when you name a kid after a color, you're just askin' for trouble (it's not like Pink is an easy listening artist...). Scarlett has everything so naturally she still wants her little girly-man Ashley. Makes as much sense as Ethan Hawke cheatin' on Uma Thurman with that cow of a nanny (and cows make terrible nanny's 'cause all they do is eat and fart and why pay someone to do that, unless they're gonna be on "Big Brother"?). So Rat Butler decides to take his woman! And he carries her up the biggest flight of stairs in the world and then they go into a room, and then it's morning! I think I got a bad copy of this movie 'cause I didn't see what they did next! Whatever it was, it sure made Scarlett happy (maybe he bought her a Lexus 'cause that's what all the spoiled girls get on "My Super Sweet 16").
Then Melanie gets sick, again (it's like an episode of "House" with this woman) and she dies and Scarlett realizes that now that she can have Ashley, she doesn't want him after all (who wrote this crap?) and runs home to tell Rat how much she loves him but he's totally sick and tired of her crap and leaves her ass. So she gets all whiny and is all, like, what am I gonna do? And Rat, total bad-ass that he is, just puts on his pimp hat and tells her "frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." Boo-yah, toast! Take that, you selfish hootchie cracker beeotch! Smack!
Rat Butler is totally awesome.
So, just like a Beverly Hills celebutant, she shrugs it off with a pithy "tomorrow is another day...." Nice attitude. Your husband just left you, you've had a miscarriage, lost a child, your only friend just died and you just toss off a casual colloquialism? I sat through a third of my life to watch all this crap happen to her and she's all, just, whatever? I hope when she gets upstairs her Mammy slaps the crap out of her.
Lol. I don't know how the hell I got here, but this is hilarious. I've read Gone With the Wind, and you pretty much got it.
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