Top Gun

Today I took the highway to the danger zone and watched a movie about volleyball players who fly airplanes. It's called "Top Gun" and it was super cool 'cause it's got a guy in it called Goose. Any guy named after a bird is okay in my book. Plus it's got really really important actors in it like Val Kilmer (only he's a guy, not a girl even though he has a girls name). He's important 'cause he's in all the top movies, like this one, "Top Gun", and "Top Secret".

So Tom Cruise is this pilot and he's all crazy and wild (like we couldn't figure this out from watchin' Oprah) and they call him a loose cannon, just like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon (who really is a loose cannon). His boss is the dad from Steel Magnolias only he doesn't wear that stupid hat, just a stupid mustache like he always does. Thank goodness the planes aren't painted blush and petal. And the teacher is this Amish chick only Maverick, that's Tom Cruise, doesn't know she his teacher and he tries to pick her up in a bar by singing "You Lost That Lovin' Feeling". He doesn't even know her, how can he know that she lost her feelings? Mr. Rogers says you should share your feelings, so maybe she let somebody borrow her feelings and they forgot to give them back. And everybody knows you're not supposed to sing to Amish chicks 'cause their hairy old grampas will come out and yell at you in the barn...just ask Harrison Ford. So you be careful out there among the English, Tom Cruise.

Before he gets a chance to humilliate himself at the altar of bad karaoke he goes toe to toe with the Iceman (that's Val Kilmer). He doesn't look like the guy from Memento but he sure does have a short memory 'cause every time he talks to Maverick he tells him he's dangerous. Can't he remember that's the only thing he says to him everytime? He should tattoo what he says to his body so he can remember what he says and since he always seems to talk to Maverick in a towel in the locker-room, Tom Cruise could just read it off his body and then Val Kilmer wouldn't have to say anything at all, just do that weird bite thing he does to look fierce. Speaking of bites, these two were made for each other 'cause they both have enormous glimmery white shiny teeth. But Carrie-Anne Moss is nowhere to be seen in this bar so it should be safe to drink the beer. And it is a safe bar 'cause Patrick Swayze is nowhere to be seen, although something tells me he'd fit right into this movie...

So they get to the school and they play tag in planes 'cause tag is a fun game only you can't play freeze tag in a plane or you'd crash and they play some real hardcore tag 'cause there's no base to go to be safe from being tagged. I like playing tag at school 'cause it's kinda cool when girls run after me and try to touch me and sometimes they don't mean to but they touch my tail and I get all fluffy and embarassed. But you can't touch tails in planes or you'll crash so I guess Maverick and Iceman will have to touch tails in the locker-room.

Then Maverick gets him and his Goose in trouble by playing out of bounds and Goose begs Maverick to play nice or he'll have to quit and go to med school and move to Chicago and get a brain tumor and die, and he's already had a crappy life being made fun of at college and being picked on by Ted McGinley.

So Maverick finally gets a date with teacher chick. To get ready, he doesn't go buy a new suit or get a haircut or nothing like that. No, to get ready for his big date he goes and plays beach volleyball with his man-crush Iceman. And he isn't even prepared for that 'cause he doesn't have his swim trunks on. He's wearin' jeans and everybody knows you're not supposed to wear street clothes during gym time. When he's done he doesn't even get all gussied up for teacher chick or nothin', no shower, no change of clothes, just wears those sweaty sand-covered jeans and he's a pilot for goodness sake! He's got those cool uniforms to wear and chicks love a fella in uniform, so he totally could have wowed her only he decides to use his Scientology brain washing to make her love him just like he did to Katie Holmes.

Then Meg Ryan shows up all cute and cuddly and thankfully reduced to a small supporting role as a supporting character's wife.

They play fighter pilot tag again only this time Maverick breaks his plane and they have to eject and he kills his partner and best friend Goose. This part of the movie sucks 'cause they killed off the only likable character! And now we're gonna have to watch Tom Cruise get all mopey and self-doubting and everybody knows this is so unrealistic 'cause Tom Cruise never has self-doubt. But this is the directors chance to show the human side of our hero so just roll with it...

So after the dad from Poison Ivy (don't tell my Mom I saw that movie, I thought it was an Uma Thurman spin-off movie) slaps Maverick around and tells him to stop being a wussy boy like Luke Skywalker, Maverick gets back in his plane and tries again to be Mr. Hot Shot (wasn't that Charlie Sheen?) only he freaks out and quits only he finds out that Iceman got named Top Gun instead of him, but he shouldn't worry about Val Kilmer gettin' more famous than him 'cause an Oscar didn't really do much for Mira Sorvino, either.

So he comes back and gets sent to the Indiana Ocean to fight bad guys. And they go up in the planes and there's a lot of flyin' around, for like six hours or something and you can't tell the stupid planes apart and Iceman gets in trouble and Maverick saves him 'cause thats what Tom Cruise does: "saves" people. There's no Death Star or anything to blow up so the fight ends when the Queen-like guitar solo starts and they land and Iceman tells Maverick "you can be my wingman anytime" and Maverick sets him straight and says "no, you can be mine" 'cause Tom Cruise is second banana to no one. And then they hug and dance and hug some more. For a second I thought they were gonna go below deck for a "debriefing." 

But he ends up with his teacher in the end and I'm assuming she got fired 'cause that's totally against the rules, but his name is Maverick, so whatcha gonna do? Of course, this is bad news for Kelly McGillis 'cause she's never heard from again....