Since I liked "O, Brother, Where Art Thou" 'cause it has George Clooney in it, I thought I should watch another movie that's got George Clooney in it, and I sure do like George Clooney 'cause he's Mr. Cool Hollywood and all the girls like him. And if we was cool enough to be in one of the Coehn Brothers' movies, he's just gotta be in another one, right?
No, wrong! This movie, "Fargo", has, like, some of the ugliest people I've ever seen in a movie. There's this guy who wears a lot of brown corduroy and he's real funny lookin', you know, just, like, uh, you know, funny lookin'. And he gets paid by the dad from "Pleasantville" to kidnap his wife 'cause she left him to go live on Wisteria Lane, and he's funny lookin' too, only he talks, funny, too, you're darned tootin'.
So, um, the first five minutes are the only part of the whole movie that takes place in Fargo, so I really think this title was a misnomer, only, who really wants to spend two hours in Fargo? Heck, they pay people now just to stay and live in North Dakota. Those people must be real rich.
And the dad, his name is Jerry, he's a car salesman, so already you know he's a total loser, and he he must be a big Bill Cosby fan 'cause he wears a lot of sweaters. He's a big loser 'cause he's stealin' from his dad-in-law even though he lets him work for him and everything, so not only is he an ungrateful lyin' stealin' bastard, he's not even cooperatin' with him here!
So instead of gettin' pancakes (which are really fun when you make a face on them with your bacon and eggs or you can make Mickey Mouse pancakes, or chocolate chip pancakes which is like eatin' dessert for breakfast, so I don't know why they didn't stop and get pancakes), funny lookin' guy and his friend, Mute, they um, go to Jerry's house and they see the Mom sittin' on the couch knittin' another sweater for Jerry and when she sees them standin' outside on the patio she doesn't do anything until they start breakin' the door and if she had half a brain she would have already been on the damned phone callin' the cops! They break in and she bites Mute and runs upstairs and he says "unguent" and goes upstairs to get some 'cause if you're already breakin' and entering to kidnap someone, you can kinda help yourself to whatever you like, I guess. When he's in the bathroom, she jumps out of the shower with the shower curtain on her face 'cause she must be kind of retarded or something (and I know she sounds retarded, too, but everybody sounds retarded from Minnesota, except Prince, 'cause he's a sexy motherf....). You can't run very far with a shower curtain on your face, so she falls down the stairs and now is conveniently wrapped up to be carted off.
But they get pulled over on their way out of town and funny lookin' guy tries to bribe the cop only the cops are totally honest there in Minnesota 'cause everybody is mostly like Garrison Keillor and just tries to be nice, unless you're a car dealer, a funny lookin' guy, or a mute. So funny lookin' guy, who doesn't have a name in this movie, so let's call him Steve ('cause he looks like he might not be from Minnesota and Steve isn't really a Minnesota-sounding name...), he shoots Mr. Policeman and this car goes by and Louie Anderson is in it and he gets chased by Mute and they get into an accident and he doesn't even call a tow-truck, he just shoots them instead (maybe his AAA membership expired and he couldn't afford a tow truck...).
There's this lady cop who's gonna have a baby and her husband hates her 'cause he makes her work in a dangerous job where she's gotta wear a lot of heavy stuff and he just sits home in his p.j.s and paints ducks, but he's nice sometimes and makes her some eggs, which is kinda Freudically weird in that she's got an egg growing inside her and she eats an egg which is her subconscious telling her that the egg that will become her young will eat her career unless she eats it first. But she pukes it up later, so, oh well.
The bad guys must have taken the kidnapping job 'cause they can't afford heat or color TV. But since they killed some people they have to ask for more money 'cause they know they're gonna have to get lawyers and lawyers are expensive and you can't really defend yourself in court if you get caught, unless it's like The People's Court, but I don't think they do murder trials, but if they did, boy oh boy would Judge Judy be fun to watch! Since they asked for more money, Jerry has to try and sell a parking lot, only his father in law isn't a bank, Jerry. Yeah, we're not a bank Jerry, so go throw a temper tantrum with your window scraper, Jerry.
Then Steve goes to a rock concert starring Jose Felicty Ono at a hotel and then does the boom-chick-a-boom with this bottom-barrel Barbra Streisand-lookin' girl and a big giant Indian comes in and beats Steve with a belt. He knows Steve is bad 'cause you only get hit with the belt if you've been bad, or you're German. So Steve calls Jerry and tells him to bring his money now only Jerry is a doofus and can't do anything right (remember, he's a car salesman) so Mr. Father In Law goes instead and he puts on his big green parka (he looks like a geriatric Incredible Michelin Man Hulk) and he goes up to a parking garage and after they argue, Steve shoots old guy but old guy shoots Steve in the face (must be a Steve thing 'cause that Steve guy on Jackass is always gettin' shot in the face with something). I don't think Steve was gonna give the mom back 'cause she wasn't even in the car so it was gonna be a bad day for Gramps anyway.
But it was a worse day for the parking garage attendant who gets totally blasted away by Steve and Jerry goes up to the garage to see what's goin' on and he puts gramps in the trunk and goes home and acts like nothin' happened. Jerry must be in the mafia. They're dead-people-in-the-trunk-and-fuggedaboutit-people. You're darned tootin'.
For no reason at all there's this guy named Mike Nakamura who stalks pregnant cop at the Raddison and tells her he always liked her only I'm not sure I would be makin' passes at a married pregnant woman who is fully armed. And he doesn't even work at Honeywell. No, he still lives at home with his parents.
And then she eats at the Hardee's drivethru. I like Hardee's only they don't have Hardees out in the west where I live, they just have Carl's Jr., which is the same thing as a Hardees, only with bigger food.
See. I can just throw some randomness in the middle of my story, too...
Then pregnant cop lady visits Jerry at his work and he gets all upset 'cause he's cooperatin' here! He's probably stressed 'cause he went to work with a dead body in the trunk of his car. So he flees the interview, he flees the interview! Then pregnant cop lady takes the scenic way home and finds her tan sierra, tan sierra!, and sneaks around the house and finds Mute stuffin' Steve into the wood chipper 'cause it's easier to split a funny lookin' guy than it is a car. How do you split a car? Mute sees her only he doesn't register that she's a cop until she points to the badge on her hat, that goes with her cop uniform and the cop gun she has pointed at him. He throws a log at her (it's log, it's log, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood, it's log, it's log, it's better than bad, it's good!) and she shoots him in the leg. Then she uses the Force to lug his 260 pound murderous frame into her patrol car all by herself.
Jerry gets arrested in a hotel. Sure, he'll get charged with kidnapping, conspiracy, fraud, accessory to murder, but I think he might get child abandonment charges, too. Is anybody thinkin' about how he just up and left his kid at home all alone? It's not like he was Macaully Culkin or anything.
Then Mr. Pregnant Cop can't even celebrate the successful arrest his wife made. No, he's gotta be Mr. Center-of-Attention and brag about his stupid duck painting. Hey, your pregnant working wife just shot a guy and watched a funny lookin' fella get liquified before her very eyes. Way to comfort your meal ticket, bub. Awww, the heck you say.
At least George Clooney is gonna be in the next Coehn Brother's film, and not a funny lookin' fella in sight. They're cooperatin' with me! You're darned tootin'!
So, um, the first five minutes are the only part of the whole movie that takes place in Fargo, so I really think this title was a misnomer, only, who really wants to spend two hours in Fargo? Heck, they pay people now just to stay and live in North Dakota. Those people must be real rich.
And the dad, his name is Jerry, he's a car salesman, so already you know he's a total loser, and he he must be a big Bill Cosby fan 'cause he wears a lot of sweaters. He's a big loser 'cause he's stealin' from his dad-in-law even though he lets him work for him and everything, so not only is he an ungrateful lyin' stealin' bastard, he's not even cooperatin' with him here!
So instead of gettin' pancakes (which are really fun when you make a face on them with your bacon and eggs or you can make Mickey Mouse pancakes, or chocolate chip pancakes which is like eatin' dessert for breakfast, so I don't know why they didn't stop and get pancakes), funny lookin' guy and his friend, Mute, they um, go to Jerry's house and they see the Mom sittin' on the couch knittin' another sweater for Jerry and when she sees them standin' outside on the patio she doesn't do anything until they start breakin' the door and if she had half a brain she would have already been on the damned phone callin' the cops! They break in and she bites Mute and runs upstairs and he says "unguent" and goes upstairs to get some 'cause if you're already breakin' and entering to kidnap someone, you can kinda help yourself to whatever you like, I guess. When he's in the bathroom, she jumps out of the shower with the shower curtain on her face 'cause she must be kind of retarded or something (and I know she sounds retarded, too, but everybody sounds retarded from Minnesota, except Prince, 'cause he's a sexy motherf....). You can't run very far with a shower curtain on your face, so she falls down the stairs and now is conveniently wrapped up to be carted off.
But they get pulled over on their way out of town and funny lookin' guy tries to bribe the cop only the cops are totally honest there in Minnesota 'cause everybody is mostly like Garrison Keillor and just tries to be nice, unless you're a car dealer, a funny lookin' guy, or a mute. So funny lookin' guy, who doesn't have a name in this movie, so let's call him Steve ('cause he looks like he might not be from Minnesota and Steve isn't really a Minnesota-sounding name...), he shoots Mr. Policeman and this car goes by and Louie Anderson is in it and he gets chased by Mute and they get into an accident and he doesn't even call a tow-truck, he just shoots them instead (maybe his AAA membership expired and he couldn't afford a tow truck...).
There's this lady cop who's gonna have a baby and her husband hates her 'cause he makes her work in a dangerous job where she's gotta wear a lot of heavy stuff and he just sits home in his p.j.s and paints ducks, but he's nice sometimes and makes her some eggs, which is kinda Freudically weird in that she's got an egg growing inside her and she eats an egg which is her subconscious telling her that the egg that will become her young will eat her career unless she eats it first. But she pukes it up later, so, oh well.
The bad guys must have taken the kidnapping job 'cause they can't afford heat or color TV. But since they killed some people they have to ask for more money 'cause they know they're gonna have to get lawyers and lawyers are expensive and you can't really defend yourself in court if you get caught, unless it's like The People's Court, but I don't think they do murder trials, but if they did, boy oh boy would Judge Judy be fun to watch! Since they asked for more money, Jerry has to try and sell a parking lot, only his father in law isn't a bank, Jerry. Yeah, we're not a bank Jerry, so go throw a temper tantrum with your window scraper, Jerry.
Then Steve goes to a rock concert starring Jose Felicty Ono at a hotel and then does the boom-chick-a-boom with this bottom-barrel Barbra Streisand-lookin' girl and a big giant Indian comes in and beats Steve with a belt. He knows Steve is bad 'cause you only get hit with the belt if you've been bad, or you're German. So Steve calls Jerry and tells him to bring his money now only Jerry is a doofus and can't do anything right (remember, he's a car salesman) so Mr. Father In Law goes instead and he puts on his big green parka (he looks like a geriatric Incredible Michelin Man Hulk) and he goes up to a parking garage and after they argue, Steve shoots old guy but old guy shoots Steve in the face (must be a Steve thing 'cause that Steve guy on Jackass is always gettin' shot in the face with something). I don't think Steve was gonna give the mom back 'cause she wasn't even in the car so it was gonna be a bad day for Gramps anyway.
But it was a worse day for the parking garage attendant who gets totally blasted away by Steve and Jerry goes up to the garage to see what's goin' on and he puts gramps in the trunk and goes home and acts like nothin' happened. Jerry must be in the mafia. They're dead-people-in-the-trunk-and-fuggedaboutit-people. You're darned tootin'.
For no reason at all there's this guy named Mike Nakamura who stalks pregnant cop at the Raddison and tells her he always liked her only I'm not sure I would be makin' passes at a married pregnant woman who is fully armed. And he doesn't even work at Honeywell. No, he still lives at home with his parents.
And then she eats at the Hardee's drivethru. I like Hardee's only they don't have Hardees out in the west where I live, they just have Carl's Jr., which is the same thing as a Hardees, only with bigger food.
See. I can just throw some randomness in the middle of my story, too...
Jerry gets arrested in a hotel. Sure, he'll get charged with kidnapping, conspiracy, fraud, accessory to murder, but I think he might get child abandonment charges, too. Is anybody thinkin' about how he just up and left his kid at home all alone? It's not like he was Macaully Culkin or anything.
Then Mr. Pregnant Cop can't even celebrate the successful arrest his wife made. No, he's gotta be Mr. Center-of-Attention and brag about his stupid duck painting. Hey, your pregnant working wife just shot a guy and watched a funny lookin' fella get liquified before her very eyes. Way to comfort your meal ticket, bub. Awww, the heck you say.
At least George Clooney is gonna be in the next Coehn Brother's film, and not a funny lookin' fella in sight. They're cooperatin' with me! You're darned tootin'!
No comments:
Post a Comment