Okay, right away I was confused by the title. What the hell kind of encounter is the "third kind"? The first time is when you bump into somebody. And the second time is when you get to kiss them goodnight on the doorstep. And I’ve heard that the third kind is when you make babies. What the hell does that have to do with aliens? And why are we watching sex-education films anyway? That's for health class at school. But I don't think we're watchin' a movie about aliens makin' babies 'cause that movie is called "Species."
"Close Encounters of the Third Kind." I think, is one of those weird foreign movies 'cause the first ten minutes are just a bunch of beard-wearin' Frenchies runnin' around the desert pointin' at some old planes. Where are the cool aliens?! If the Frenchies are the aliens I'm gonna be pretty disappointed. They don't even have green skin or acid breath or anything cool. French people suck.
But then they show this boy in his room and a storm comes and makes all his toys come to life and he's not scared (he must be retarded or somethin' 'cause if my purple jingle ball, Bob, started movin' around on his own without me smackin' the crap out of him, I'd totally be hiding under the bed!) so he goes running after the bright shiny lights in the sky that made his toys move and he runs in the woods and his mom is totally totally freaked out and goes runnin' after him. Boy is he gonna be in trouble 'cause you're not supposed to leave the house without permission. And those bright lights in the sky makes all the power go out so Mr. Holland has to take time out from makin' his opus and go fix the electricity but he gets stopped on the railroad tracks and the lights give him a sunburn and he scares himself with his flashlight. So he wakes up his wife, who used to be married to Mr. Mom but I guess not anymore since he went and became Batman (maybe she couldn't handle the pressure of being the wife of a superhero, or maybe 'cause it was he was messin' around on her with Kim Bassinger), and he takes her out in the middle of nowhere to see the lights only they don't come and the little boy that ran away is there and his mom finds him there and she doesn't even spank him or nothin'!
Then they show those stupid French people again, makin' up sign language in case the aliens are deaf.
And then the mom, who we never see in another movie ever again, is home with her bad little kid and the lights come again and make everything in the house go crazy and the 'special' kid goes crawlin' out the doggie door. If she spanked him in the first place he never would have gone runnin' off again! And the lights took him away and instead of lookin' for him, bad mom just draws pictures of a mountain over and over again. Yeah, let's give her the Parent of the Year Award! Geesh!
Then Richard Dreyfus plays with his food and makes a mashed potato mountain and his wife gets mad at him for playin' with his food and settin' a bad example for the kids and she leaves his sad sorry butt. Now that's a mom who cares! And she goes on to get her degree and gets work as a laboratory assistant in Transylvania for this crazy-haired doctor and his sidekick, Eye-gor. She makes a difference! But Richard Dreyfus decides that since he has the house to himself he'll make a big old mountain out of mud in his living room and then he sees the mountain he's makin' on TV (he must be watchin' the Travel Channel) and the bad mom sees it too and they decide to go there like it's some singles resort but when they get there they get kidnapped by these army guys workin' for the weird Frenchies and when the hell are we gonna see any aliens!?! I've already wasted an hour of my day watchin' a movie about aliens that doesn't have any freakin' aliens!
So Richard Dreyfus and bad mom must have been gettin' bored, too, 'cause they go runnin' off up the mountain and when they get to the other side they find this parkin' lot lookin' place with all these lights and towers and people in uniforms runnin' around and then they open the Ark and all these ghosts escape and make the people in uniforms melt and....oh wait, wrong movie......um, they just sit up on the mountain and watch as the lights come back and fly all over and then they disappear and then the big giant spaceship comes, and boy isn't it about time!
The people in uniforms start playin' Simon with the spaceship, you know, that game where you have to match the lights and music in patterns? And then the big ship opens it's door and all these humas come out and I'm like, what the hell, these aren't aliens! But then little kid comes runnin' out and bad mom comes down the mountain and gets him and even after gettin' in Stranger Danger's spaceship, he doesn't get a lickin'!
Finally, some damned aliens come out of the ship. The first one looks like a cross between a spider and Shelly Duval and then all these munchkin alien kids come runnin' out and they aren't wearin' any clothes! You'd think if they can build a spaceship that can travel across the freakin' galaxy, they could make themselves a shiny silver jumpsuit. So Richard Dreyfus, who has given' up on tryin' to go home and get his family back (real nice level of commitment there) puts on a shiny jumpsuit (like you're supposed to have when you go space travelin') and goes on up into the spaceship and they close the door and they go home takin' Richard Dreyfus with 'em.
That's it!? That's how this stupid movie ends? The aliens don't try to blow anything up or take over the world or even leave a cure for cancer or anything? They just travelled all those millions and billions of miles for the guy who was in 'Moon Over Parador"?! They should have called this movie "Close Encounters of the Crappy Kind." What kind of loser made this thing anyway? They shouldn't let him make any more movies 'cause he doesn't know anything about entertaining or telling a good story. And he certainly shouldn't make any more movies about aliens, that's for sure.
I give this movie, and the director, a big "paws down."
"Close Encounters of the Third Kind." I think, is one of those weird foreign movies 'cause the first ten minutes are just a bunch of beard-wearin' Frenchies runnin' around the desert pointin' at some old planes. Where are the cool aliens?! If the Frenchies are the aliens I'm gonna be pretty disappointed. They don't even have green skin or acid breath or anything cool. French people suck.
But then they show this boy in his room and a storm comes and makes all his toys come to life and he's not scared (he must be retarded or somethin' 'cause if my purple jingle ball, Bob, started movin' around on his own without me smackin' the crap out of him, I'd totally be hiding under the bed!) so he goes running after the bright shiny lights in the sky that made his toys move and he runs in the woods and his mom is totally totally freaked out and goes runnin' after him. Boy is he gonna be in trouble 'cause you're not supposed to leave the house without permission. And those bright lights in the sky makes all the power go out so Mr. Holland has to take time out from makin' his opus and go fix the electricity but he gets stopped on the railroad tracks and the lights give him a sunburn and he scares himself with his flashlight. So he wakes up his wife, who used to be married to Mr. Mom but I guess not anymore since he went and became Batman (maybe she couldn't handle the pressure of being the wife of a superhero, or maybe 'cause it was he was messin' around on her with Kim Bassinger), and he takes her out in the middle of nowhere to see the lights only they don't come and the little boy that ran away is there and his mom finds him there and she doesn't even spank him or nothin'!
Then they show those stupid French people again, makin' up sign language in case the aliens are deaf.
And then the mom, who we never see in another movie ever again, is home with her bad little kid and the lights come again and make everything in the house go crazy and the 'special' kid goes crawlin' out the doggie door. If she spanked him in the first place he never would have gone runnin' off again! And the lights took him away and instead of lookin' for him, bad mom just draws pictures of a mountain over and over again. Yeah, let's give her the Parent of the Year Award! Geesh!
Finally, some damned aliens come out of the ship. The first one looks like a cross between a spider and Shelly Duval and then all these munchkin alien kids come runnin' out and they aren't wearin' any clothes! You'd think if they can build a spaceship that can travel across the freakin' galaxy, they could make themselves a shiny silver jumpsuit. So Richard Dreyfus, who has given' up on tryin' to go home and get his family back (real nice level of commitment there) puts on a shiny jumpsuit (like you're supposed to have when you go space travelin') and goes on up into the spaceship and they close the door and they go home takin' Richard Dreyfus with 'em.
That's it!? That's how this stupid movie ends? The aliens don't try to blow anything up or take over the world or even leave a cure for cancer or anything? They just travelled all those millions and billions of miles for the guy who was in 'Moon Over Parador"?! They should have called this movie "Close Encounters of the Crappy Kind." What kind of loser made this thing anyway? They shouldn't let him make any more movies 'cause he doesn't know anything about entertaining or telling a good story. And he certainly shouldn't make any more movies about aliens, that's for sure.
I give this movie, and the director, a big "paws down."
No comments:
Post a Comment